I don’t know about you, but I’m an HGTV fanatic. I love a good remodel. I love watching a home built from scratch. I love it all. That passion probably comes from growing up in a family of construction workers. It’s in my blood.
So naturally, I think a lot about how building a family is similar to building a house. The problem is, we often get caught up in the trinkets and the shiny things—the bits at the end. You know, the furnishings. That’s the best part on those shows, right? The big reveal. When the designer walks you through each room, talking about the pieces they chose, the colors, the textures, the patterns, and the finishes.
How do we look to everyone else?
And we do the same thing with our families. We emphasize how we look, how we come across, how we stack up next to others. Are we doing the same activities as the family next door? Are our kids going to the right schools? Are they excelling in every activity imaginable? Do our daughters have the nails, the lashes, the whole look?
We get caught up in the appearances—in the performance of our family. But very few people are asking about the foundation. What’s behind these walls? Are the studs solid, or are there termites? How’s the roof doing?
Nobody cares about that part during the walkthrough. It’s boring. But boring is what makes the house last. And boring makes it possible for you to enjoy all the pretty things inside.
The same is true for your family.
Preparing for baby: party and plan
From the moment you find out you’re pregnant, it’s about the shower, the nursery, the trinkets. And those are beautiful moments! But how much thought have you put into how you’re going to raise this child? I’m not talking about how you’ll find the money. I’m talking about the plan.
What do you value? What standards do you want to uphold? Have you considered how you’ll make decisions that align with those values?
Because once that child is born, the decisions come fast and furious. Every day there’s something new to figure out. And if you haven’t thought through what matters most to your family—if you haven’t laid that foundation—you will be hit with decision fatigue.
That’s when “Sure, whatever” becomes your go-to response. Not because you don’t care, but because you’re exhausted.
Minimize decision fatigue in parenting
You’re juggling the decisions of running a home, a job, your kids, maybe your parents, and your own health and sanity. At some point, you need a few decisions to be on autopilot. That only happens when you’ve already thought through your aim. Your values. Your structure.
When something doesn’t align with the foundation you’ve set, or the boundaries you’ve established, the answer becomes simple. It’s a no. There’s nothing to wrestle with because you’ve already done the work.
The danger of being caught up in the cute, the shiny, and the performance is that none of those things matter in an earthquake.
Life will test your family
Nobody appreciates how well a house is built until something shakes it.
And life will shake your family.
When that happens, what will still be standing?
It won’t be whether your child plays three sports or has the newest phone. It will be the thought you put into building relationships in your home. The communication you taught and modeled. The routines and traditions that gave your children a sense of identity and security.
Because these people—your family—are your people. These are the ones who know you best. The ones who have a vested interest in your survival. At least, that’s what a healthy family should be.
There are folks out here who smile in your face but don’t care about your well-being. Family, when done well, is different. And that difference doesn’t happen by accident.
A lasting family legacy
It’s curated. Just like those home makeovers on HGTV. Every texture, every color, every contrast is intentional. It looks cohesive because there’s a vision behind it—even if it’s eclectic like mine!
That vision for your family matters. And it requires just as much thought. Because what sustains a family isn’t what people see. It’s not what makes for a good social media post. It’s the boring stuff—the structure, the habits, the values—that keeps your family standing when life gets hard.
If you’ve ever imagined what kind of adults you want your children to become. Or ever dreamed about what kind of relationship you’ll have after they leave home. That kind of family life doesn’t just happen. It takes thought. It takes planning.
Will they still want to come home? Will your home feel like a safe place to bring their own children one day?
Those outcomes are not guaranteed. But they’re more likely when you put intentional thought into the family you’re building now.
You can’t just hope for the best. Hope is not a strategy. Think through what’s required to make your vision possible. You can’t control everything—everyone has free will—but you can set a foundation and create the conditions for the kind of family life you want to see.
Because families are as unique as the people who create them. But the families that endure are the ones built with intention. That’s the kind of legacy that shapes generations—and society.
And it starts with you.
Join me for more insight on family dynamics.
**The views and opinions expressed should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your health care professional for any health questions.
Vanessa A. Harris 