DON’T TAKE SHORT CUTS WHEN COMMUNICATING WITH FAMILY
Whether you’re direct by nature or just the nature of familiarity, it’s easy to talk with people you love without extending the social grace you’d give someone else.
As a New Yorker, I grew up steeped in the art of directness.
So when I noticed, over time, a family member doing something I found curious, I thought about addressing it.
And the question I thought to lead with was quite—direct.
It didn’t sit well with me and when I repeated it, and I immediately realized it could cause my loved one to feel self-conscious off the bat.
RELATIONSHIP EQUITY
Not the way to start a productive conversation. It’s not the way I would speak to an acquaintance. And it’s not the way I’d counsel someone to address the curious behavior of a loved one.
But when it comes to family, we think because we know each other so well, we can skip the pleasantries and get to the point.
They know us. We have relationship equity, right?
We do. But don’t think of pleasantries as a formality. Think of it as a social grace.
Starting the conversation in a way that reminds them you’re a safe person to talk to about an issue that’s curious to you, but potentially uncomfortable for them.
And yes, you should be a safe person for your loved one to talk to—one of the safest in their world.
FAMILIARITY DOES BREED CONTEMPT
And in a world that moves at the speed of AI, it’s important to consider each other in a manner honoring our humanity.
So, it’s better to start by connecting based on an observation. For instance, “It seems like your job is demanding more and more from you lately.” Rather than, “What’s with all the attitude you’re giving me lately?!”
Let their response inform how you proceed. They will either correct your observation because you misread the situation or they will elaborate on what you suspect, serving an opportunity for you to share your concern.
But starting a conversation with a loved one in the middle of your thought, as if they’re privy to the conversation you’re already having in your mind—and expecting them to jump right in—is non-productive and inconsiderate.
THE BEST WAY TO START A CONVERSATION
So, how did I change course?
I practiced self-awareness. By repeating the question to myself, I gave myself a chance to hear it again. I’m a New Yorker, remember? I already know I lean toward directness.
I caught the candor in my review.
Then I thought of the other person and how it might land on them. Could they be defensive or self-conscious? And because I know them very well, the questions weren’t hard to answer.
So, I regrouped and thought about how to broach the issue in a way that invited them into what I was pondering without “assaulting” them with my assumption.
Sharing your observation does that.
HOLD ON A MINUTE
Taking the time to build rapport is a welcoming intro to a conversation with anyone, and a loving one to those who mean the most to you.
So take the few extra seconds to connect before expressing concern. When you do, you show how much they mean to you. And in a cruel world, that goes a long way.
I’m rooting for you,
**The views and opinions expressed should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your health care professional for any health questions.
Vanessa A. Harris 