Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time for gathering—a time to pause, breathe, pass the sweet potatoes, and enjoy the people you love. At its best, the table feels like a warm place to land. But many moms know the other version. The table where old wounds get reheated faster than the rolls. Where comments cut deeper than carving knives. Where you brace yourself before you ring the doorbell.
If that’s your reality, I want to walk you through how to prepare—not to perform, not to pretend—but to show up as a woman who is honest and honoring of herself the entire day.
And yes… we’re starting with the food.
1. Cook What You Love
If Thanksgiving is at your house, here’s your permission slip: cook what you love. Not what Grandma insists on. Not what your cousin texted you at 10pm. Not what people guilt you into because “it’s always been on the table.”
Food made out of obligation tastes like obligation. Food made with love tastes like love.
And for the people who will undoubtedly ask, “How come you don’t have ___?” You already know what to say:
“This is the menu I’m preparing. But if it’s not Thanksgiving for you without that dish, feel free to bring it and share.”
That’s it. One dish. They can enjoy it. You don’t have to eat it. And whatever’s left goes right back home with them. Everybody wins.
2. Acknowledge: Family Is Complicated
Most of us didn’t grow up in the neatly resolved sitcom version of family. We grew up in the real world—where personalities clash, boundaries blur, and certain topics come up every single year.
That’s why before the turkey (or your brisket, or jerk chicken) ever hits the oven, you need one thing:
A decision.
3. Decisions vs. Choices
A choice is communal. It’s the kind of thing where we want people to validate us:
— “Did I do the right thing?”
— “Does everyone approve?”
A decision is internal. Personal. Private.
It’s the product of prayer, reflection, counsel, and lived experience.
When you’ve made a real decision, your confidence stops being shaken by comments from people who don’t live your life or carry your responsibilities.
So, your first assignment? Decide:
“The way I’m doing life right now is the decision I’ve made—and I’m at peace with it.”
Now let’s talk about what happens at the actual table.
4. Comments vs. Questions
People at Thanksgiving will do one of two things:
✔️ Make comments
✔️ Ask questions
You can’t control either. But you can control what you respond to.
Comments?
Ignore them unless they are compliments.
Most non-complimentary comments at the holiday table are designed to provoke, not connect. You are under no obligation to respond.
Questions?
Answer them, but with strategy.
5. The One Phrase That Will Save You
Before you respond to any question, say:
“What do you mean?”
This does two things:
- It slows you down so you don’t snap back.
- It makes them clarify—and sometimes expose their own intentions.
It also gives you a moment to gather yourself so you can respond in a way that keeps you grounded, not reactive.
6. Stay HOME in Your Skin (the acronym)
When you’re ready to answer, use HOME:
H — Honest
You’re grown. This is your life. Answer truthfully.
O — Own Your Decision
You decided for a reason. Stand confidently in it.
M — Mention Their Discomfort
Acknowledge their confusion or disappointment without absorbing it.
E — Empathy
Extend grace:
“I can understand why that might be hard for you.”
Notice what’s missing?
An apology.
You don’t need to apologize for living your own life with intention.
7. When They Keep Pushing
Some people aren’t looking for understanding. They’re looking for tension because tension is all they’ve had with you, and it feels familiar.
If they keep going after you’ve answered fully, simply say:
“I don’t have anything else to add, so I’m going to enjoy my dinner now.”
And go back to your plate.
You do not explain again.
You do not defend again.
You do not match their energy.
Because you’ve already offered clarity, connection, and empathy. And if someone refuses the olive branch, that’s about their internal conflict.
8. Peace Be Still
We all want our parents proud. We want our families to understand us. I lived that tension myself when I stepped away from medicine to raise my children. My parents didn’t get it. My dad was disappointed.
But I had made a decision.
And what God calls you to does not always make sense to the people who didn’t receive the calling.
You don’t need universal approval to walk in peace.
This Thanksgiving, may your table be full—and your heart be settled.
Your boundaries firm—and your responses kind.
And may you stay at HOME in your own skin—no matter who sits across from you.
Happy Thanksgiving! I’m rooting for you!
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If you have questions about parenting or navigating your family’s relationship dynamics, I’d be happy to help.
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**The views and opinions expressed should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your health care professional for any health questions.
Vanessa A. Harris 